HOW TO BE THE DADDY OF THE MBA ESSAYS!

MBA Conquerors
May 21
3 min read

(Parts of the blog are AI Generated- NSFW)

Yo, you gorgeous shitshow, I know why you’re crawling back—you couldn’t resist my sexy-ass chaos, could ya? You’re here for the good stuff, the secret sauce to make you the DADDY of MBA essays—or, fuck it, the MOMMY (no Golden Girls granny panties here, Blanche can suck it). Read this shit like it’s the last porn mag in a post-apocalyptic bunker, and you’ll fuck those essays so hard they’ll need a safe word.

We’re starting with the Goals essay ‘cause the MBA Conquerors bigwigs ratted you out: you dumbasses don’t know what you want in life! How fuckin’ precious is that? You’re ready to blow a quarter-mil on an MBA, drowning in debt deeper than the brown pool from Slumdog Millionaire, and you’re out here flopping like a drunk Deadshot missing every goddamn mark. “Best and brightest,” my sweet, sweaty ball sack! Strap in, you burrito-farting fuckwit, ‘cause Marvel Jesus is here to ram some essay-crushing wisdom up your sorry ass. Maximum fuckin’ effort!

BE THE DADDY OF GOALS ESSAYS

Yo, you burrito-farting fuckwit, listen up! Your Goals essay needs to be a goddamn masterpiece, not a soggy taco of bullshit. Here’s the recipe to make B-schools cream their khakis, straight from those twat-waffling overlords at MBA Conquerors:

Motivation: Dig deep, you sorry sack of shit. Find a real reason for your goals, not some whiny-ass sob story that’s got fuck-all to do with your dreams. Nobody’s buying your pity party.

Rule of Thumb: Rip open your pathetic life like a bad porno and find the one thing that pisses you off so bad you’d burn the world down to fix it—for you and every other dumbass on the planet.

Clear and Specific Goals: Don’t make your goals vaguer than a drunk Deadshot’s aim. Spell that shit out—none of this “Where’s Waldo” hide-and-seek crap.

Rule of Thumb: Lock down your shit—industry, job, companies, location, and the B-school’s feeder pipelines—tighter than my spandex on taco night.

Transferable Skills: You ain’t Elon Musk without a fuckin’ Starship, so show off skills that transfer to your big-shot MBA plans. Prove you’re not just a loudmouth with a keyboard.

Rule of Thumb: Stalk LinkedIn job listings like a creep or beg some B-school prick for a job description, then flaunt the skills you’ve got that’ll make ‘em wet.

Feasibility: Dream big, but don’t be a dumbass saying you’ll moonwalk on Mars without a plan. Make it real, or you’re just jerking off in a spacesuit.

Rule of Thumb: Prove some other bastard from your background pulled off your dream, so you don’t look like a delusional fuckwit chasing fairy dust.

Resources from School: B-schools ain’t the TVA’s Time Lords handing out free wins to little Sylvie, sitting around doing nothing. Show how their programs, profs, or networks are gonna juice up your goals.

Rule of Thumb: Pick two resources—clubs, classes, centers, whatever—and rip ‘em apart like Wolvie’s claws to show what you’ll use, how, and why it’s your ticket to glory.

Resources You Bring: Bring something to the table, you selfish prick. Networking’s the game—be the badass who lifts others up, not just a leech sucking the room dry.

Rule of Thumb: If you use their shit, pimp it out better for the next sorry bastards—like leaving a turd-polished legacy, not just taking a dump and running.

Personal Connection: Don’t be that generic fuckface nobody remembers. Weave in your story so it hits harder than my katanas on a Hydra goon.

Rule of Thumb: You better have networked with the school, ‘cause those MBA Conquerors twats push that "war plan" hard. Link your story to what makes you jizz for the school—no faking, you lying prick.

Mix this shit right, and your essay’ll be sexier than me flirting with Wolvie in a hot tub. Fuck it up, and you’re drowning in the brown pool from Slumdog Millionaire.

Need an example??

Check out this goals essay written for Columbia Business School - CBS Goals essay sample

More coming soon!

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HOW TO BE THE DADDY OF THE MBA ESSAYS!

BE THE DADDY OF GOALS ESSAYS

Yo, you burrito-farting fuckwit, listen up! Your Goals essay needs to be a goddamn masterpiece, not a soggy taco of bullshit. Here’s the recipe to make B-schools cream their khakis, straight from those twat-waffling overlords at MBA Conquerors:

Motivation: Dig deep, you sorry sack of shit. Find a real reason for your goals, not some whiny-ass sob story that’s got fuck-all to do with your dreams. Nobody’s buying your pity party.

Rule of Thumb: Rip open your pathetic life like a bad porno and find the one thing that pisses you off so bad you’d burn the world down to fix it—for you and every other dumbass on the planet.

Clear and Specific Goals: Don’t make your goals vaguer than a drunk Deadshot’s aim. Spell that shit out—none of this “Where’s Waldo” hide-and-seek crap.

Rule of Thumb: Lock down your shit—industry, job, companies, location, and the B-school’s feeder pipelines—tighter than my spandex on taco night.

Transferable Skills: You ain’t Elon Musk without a fuckin’ Starship, so show off skills that transfer to your big-shot MBA plans. Prove you’re not just a loudmouth with a keyboard.

Rule of Thumb: Stalk LinkedIn job listings like a creep or beg some B-school prick for a job description, then flaunt the skills you’ve got that’ll make ‘em wet.

Feasibility: Dream big, but don’t be a dumbass saying you’ll moonwalk on Mars without a plan. Make it real, or you’re just jerking off in a spacesuit.

Rule of Thumb: Prove some other bastard from your background pulled off your dream, so you don’t look like a delusional fuckwit chasing fairy dust.

Resources from School: B-schools ain’t the TVA’s Time Lords handing out free wins to little Sylvie, sitting around doing nothing. Show how their programs, profs, or networks are gonna juice up your goals.

Rule of Thumb: Pick two resources—clubs, classes, centers, whatever—and rip ‘em apart like Wolvie’s claws to show what you’ll use, how, and why it’s your ticket to glory.

Resources You Bring: Bring something to the table, you selfish prick. Networking’s the game—be the badass who lifts others up, not just a leech sucking the room dry.

Rule of Thumb: If you use their shit, pimp it out better for the next sorry bastards—like leaving a turd-polished legacy, not just taking a dump and running.

Personal Connection: Don’t be that generic fuckface nobody remembers. Weave in your story so it hits harder than my katanas on a Hydra goon.

Rule of Thumb: You better have networked with the school, ‘cause those MBA Conquerors twats push that "war plan" hard. Link your story to what makes you jizz for the school—no faking, you lying prick.

Mix this shit right, and your essay’ll be sexier than me flirting with Wolvie in a hot tub. Fuck it up, and you’re drowning in the brown pool from Slumdog Millionaire.

Need an example??

Check out this goals essay written for Columbia Business School - CBS Goals essay sample

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